


What I want to say...

by Avialle



Category: Given (Manga)
Genre: Based on vol. 4 of the manga, Basically an internal monulogue of Akihiko, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Feelings Realization, M/M, Regret, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 06:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19883491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avialle/pseuds/Avialle
Summary: It had been smooth like silk between his fingertips. Soft like rain in spring.Akihiko couldn’t remember how, but it had become a habit for him to run his fingers through it. To gently brush away the streaks in Harukis face as if he was entitled to – even though he never had been.But Haruki always had let him do as he liked. Always... Until he didn't anymore.





	What I want to say...

It had been smooth like silk between his fingertips. Soft like rain in spring.  
Akihiko couldn’t remember how, but it had become a habit for him to run his fingers through it. To gently brush away the streaks in Harukis face as if he was entitled to – even though he never had been.

But Haruki always had let him do as he liked. Willingly.

With surprise showing in his eyes; pale red on his cheeks; a shy smile… before he overacted all of it with ingenuous laughter. As if nothing of it ever happened. As if it wasn’t obvious like a broken string. 

For Akihiko, it always had been equally clear as much as he didn’t pay any attention to it. Didn’t pay any attention to what it did to _him._ To Haruki and his feelings.

And now it was gone. Cut off. Short.

His hair…

It was still long enough to brush it out of his face, but Akihiko didn’t anymore. He suppressed the impulse to do so. This privilege wasn’t his anymore. He knew that as much as it was his fault. And only his.

  
It had been a simple game; a constant change between approaching and distance. Never close enough to really mean something; never far away to not raise hopes lingering in the background for longer than he could remember.

Akihiko had always made sure to _not_ cross the thin line between friendship and all the things that waited behind it. Well, now and then there maybe had been some unintentionally slips with the tip of his toe to the other side – he admitted that. But nothing to harmful. Nothing that would destroy something between them.

He liked Haruki. Liked how he made him feel. Liked how _he_ was when Haruki was around. Liked the safety. The _control._

Control, he was lacking when it came to everything else in his life. Ugetsu held his threads tightly in his hands… so Akihiko had taken everything else he could grasp. Harukis threads. With them, he could at least cherish the illusion to be master of the situation. Master of himself. In reality, he was as far away from it, as the abysses between him and Ugetsu were deep.

The truth was, he wasn’t free. Never had been. And with that, he also had taken Harukis freedom away from him.

With every glance, every smile, every gesture that whispered soft hopes into his ear. Hopes, that lead nowhere. That tied him more to Akihiko. That imprisoned him.  
He had known it for so long. Had known about Harukis feeling. And still, he did it. Sold him a dead-end as a beautiful path cobbled with gold. The bright glow hid what lay behind: a cruel sea of concrete.

Nothing could or would grow there. Ever.  
  
  
But Akihiko didn’t stop. He never sent clear signals. Always kept options open, that told of what ifs and maybes and somedays… without ever being serious about it. He _couldn’t_ be serious about it. Because his heart yearned for things, he couldn’t understand himself.

He would have continued without thinking about it probably, if it didn’t happen once. If it weren’t for this one, crucial moment of carelessness. If he wouldn’t have been way too busy with himself and his broken thoughts, to stop before it had been too late. To stop, _before_ he pulled the strings he never should have even thought about to use. Ever.

When Akihiko realized what he had done, it had been too late. The line had been crossed. No, it had been _destroyed._ Someone had taken it down with the force of a crowbar. Someone who was him.

It had been this night, when he had taken shelter at Harukis place. When he had been fleeing from Ugetsu. From himself. His life… and this time, there had been no turning back. Akihiko had known that. Deep down he had known.

That’s why he had gone all out. Regardless of the consequences. Regardless of Haruki. Because he had nothing left to lose… and with this thought in his head, he had destroyed the last thing, that actually had been left. The last _one._

_Haruki… he destroyed what he had with Haruki_

Everything, he had never dared to name. Everything, he always had relied on secretly. Everything, Haruki had told him husky and with tears in his eyes.

_“I’ll do anything for you…”_

The memory stung. Sighing, Akihiko closed his eyes full of resignation. He had exploited Haruki. No. He still did.

He was a jerk. The worst.

But the bitter truth? There was no one else he could rely on. No one else he could go to.

So, he asked Haruki for help. Asked to be allowed to stay. Akihiko knew all to well he never would have denied it. Couldn’t deny it. No matter, how repellent he may appear. No matter, how much distance he put between them. No matter, how much he insisted that Akihiko should be gone in the morning…

In the end, Haruki allowed him to stay. To this day.

But one thing he had made pretty clear: he was different from Akihiko. He drew conclusions. He didn’t tolerate it silently.

_He cut his hair…_

And it wasn’t just a symbolic action; he also cut nearly all of the threads in Akihikos hands. The thought, that one day he maybe would also sever the last ones badgered him more than it was appropriate.

Haruki had every right to do so, as much, as it was probably best for him… but it was not like him, to let someone down. Especially not him. He had said it was because of the band… but Akihiko knew better than that.

  
It had been strange in the beginning, though. Full of suspense. Full of distance. Full of pain Haruki tried to hide behind his smile.  
No joking around anymore. Instead, there were invisible walls that never had been there before.

Haruki tried to block him out – and Akihiko knew he deserved it. But he didn’t let it happen.  
Instead, he tried to act normal. Tried to cheer Haruki up, even though he was the last person on earth who should… but in the end, Haruki let him. Allowed it.

He allowed the joking around and the easiness between them to come back.

He allowed, that they found their rhythm again.

He allowed, that it recovered. Their whatever-it-is.  
  
But now, there was a grave difference compared to the past. Haruki had made it unmistakably clear: he wouldn’t hold on to him anymore. Wouldn’t wait. Wouldn’t allow any games.

_He wasn’t like him._

  
They were on eye level now and without even knowing it, Haruki had taken the threads into his own hands now.  
He seemed freer. More light-hearted. As if a heavy burden had been taken from him. As if he finally could breathe again.

It looked good on him.

_The new hairstyle looked good on him…_

And Akihiko realized more and more, how he couldn’t turn away from it. Couldn’t turn away from _him._  
How he always gave him fleeting side-glances, that weren’t fleeting at all. How his eyes got caught on a genuine smile or a strand of hair, Haruki casually tucked behind his ear. How he wanted to make room for everything, he had always waved aside as nothing important.  
How he finally wanted to be the one again, who gently brushed away the streaks in his face. How he wanted to softly open this border again, just to see, what lay behind…

Because he liked Haruki. _Really_ liked him.  
Akihiko saw it crystal clear; now, where Haruki didn’t belong to him in the way he did before…

  
And suddenly, Akihiko had felt the urge to tell him. To make him understand, that there _was_ something… something he couldn’t name yet but wanted to. Somehow…  
Every time, when Harukis hair fell into his face. Every time, when Akihiko had to fight the impulse to reach out for it…

And then, one day, he knew what he had to say.

It was after a session in the practice room. The two of them just went through a new bass part and Akihiko had adjusted his drums to it.

“Okay, I think we got it. Nice work!” Haruki said contentedly. He let go of his bass and put his arms to his neck, in order to check on his hair. It was an old habit and his eyes showed a hint of realization, before he dropped his arms. Because there was nothing to check anymore.

Akihiko watched him, caught in some kind of trance. He was frozen. Stared at him. Stared at his short hair.

“Haruki,” he suddenly heard his own voice echoing through the room. It sounded far away. Unreal. Immediately, Haruki turned to him with an asking glance.

“Your – ”

Akihiko broke off. There were thousands of questions showing in the hazel eyes of his counterpart. Eyes, that still betrayed Haruki.

Akihiko could taste the words on the tip of his tongue. Suddenly, he felt the threads in his hands again. They cut in his skin; were thick like rope. And with that he knew it. He knew Haruki never really had taken them.  
It would only take a single, firm hitch and he would be in control again. A single, firm hitch and there would be hope again. A hope, Akihiko didn’t know if he could ever fulfill it.

Because he was still far away from ever being free. He still clung tight on these chains. The ones he had put on himself. The ones binding him to Ugetsu. He wasn’t ready to give up on them, even though they were suffocating… but Akihiko didn’t know, how to live without them anymore. How to breathe freely.

But he could let Haruki be free…  
And not pull him back to things that would only bring him down. That would leave him miserable and helpless. That would turn him into someone like… _him._  


So in the end, Akihiko just smiled and said, “Your riff. It’s a blast. Good work.” He gave Haruki an acknowledging pat on the back, while he tried to swallow down everything he wanted to say. Everything he came to realize.

The words tasted like black ash and made him choke.

_“Your hair… I like it. Really looks good on you.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I fell into Given-hell, I fell for this ship, so take my first attempt to write something for this awesome manga/anime!


End file.
